I Used to Be Michelangelo
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: Mikey writes an open letter about his portrayal in fanfiction. With great wailing and gnashing of teeth, angst and tragedy, he discusses the consequences of reading fanfiction about yourself.


_I know people used to do this a lot, but whatever. Come and get me._

 _After listening to the complaints of the incarnate Mikey. She could easily shoot me, so I write what she tells me to write..._

I used to be Michelangelo, ninja turtle and Battle Nexus champion. Now my name is [WITHHELD] and I clean the Statue of Liberty with a toothbrush in the Witness Protection Program. I clean the bird poop off the glamorous lady. Hey, every woman needs a man to look after her! And that's me!

I used to have a family. I wish I could say that they abandoned me, but that would be a lie. I have been beaten, tortured, raped, beaten, raped, raped, raped, kidnapped, drugged, mutilated, raped, and humiliated by the worst of humanity.

I'm talking about fanfiction writers! This is an open letter. I appreciate all the attention you give me. I look at the new posts every day to see how many sexy foxy ladies I've seduced or how many villains I've beaten and how badass I look.

Then I have to go away and hit a punching bag for a while. Okay, my brothers all get girls and fight evil and shit! Why am I always crying?! I don't cry that much! And if I'm do, then I'm sure I look really cool and manly!

I had to leave for the good of my family. I knew they would try to keep me and tell me that it was all in my head. But I can't live this way anymore. [WITHHELD] will no longer be your puppet! If you want me, I'll be swinging around Lady Liberty's eyeballs, scraping off bird poop!

I am not afraid of the dark! I don't know why I randomly shouted about that! But I'm not! I'm a freaking ninja! How can I be a ninja if I'm afraid of the dark?! I know Leo's afraid of heights and he still does crazy ninja badass shit every day, but he's just epic like that! I'm AT LEAST a fully functional ninja okay! And OBVIOUSLY I am so much more than that since I am the BATTLE NEXUS CHAMPION! IN YOUR FACES, BRAHS! I totally added an H to that so that it didn't look like I was talking about underwire bras or something.

And I don't find it sexy if my brothers hit on me. I know a lot of you seem to think I'm the bitch in some kind of weird bro-romance with any or all of my brothers. But, dude... I find them all repulsive to their very molecules. Because they're my brothers and that's how brothers, roll, yo! And I would SO not be the bitch in any relationship. [WITHHELD] is the mack daddy of [WITHHELD].

I don't get captured and tortured that much. I guess I have a few times, but I can talk my out of it. I mean I don't CRY or anything. Unless it's to throw them off their game like, "Holy shit! That ninja is crying! CAPOW! I just escaped because my crying while tied up in a science lab is SUCH A SURPRISE!"

And most importantly, you've cost me my one true love. Klunk misses me! He must! He must have shriveled up into a pile of whiskers and fur by now!

Oh, and if Leo was as much of an abusive dictator as I see in stories, I would have been taken away by Child Protective Services or my dad would have eaten him as a baby.

And there WAS that one time a while back when Raph flipped out and wanted to brain me with the pipe. But be DIDN'T, you know?! He isn't going to kill me! Stop writing about him giving me brain damage! It makes me wonder if everybody thinks that he's already given me brain damage and then I walk around feeling really bad about myself for no reason.

Oh, there's this idea that I'm really depressed and that the joking is a front. Being emo and depressed sounds like too much work to me. Go see Raph for that kind of thing. Or Leo even. I don't know about Don. I think he's happy knowing that he could conquer earth if he weren't too busy watching Doctor Who. I don't write poetry about angsty stuff. I'm not crying at night. I don't know if I'm happier than anybody else, but somehow reading about people thinking that you're a lot more depressed than you really are MAKES you really depressed. You know? Well, probably not. You're lucky because you don't have people writing fanfiction about you.

Don told me to quit reading. He warned me. He told me it would drive me crazy. At least he ends up getting GIRLS in a lot of stories. Even if it is weird and icky. Leo says he doesn't look, but I think he comes off a lot better. So he can easily go, "Oh, don't look, Mikey! Just ignore it!" Yeah, well. You're Leonardo Epic Fearless Perfect of the Hamato Clan, Hero of the Masses, aren't you? And Raph is either a total psycho or else he's kind of this weird perfect gruff boyfriend guy. They clearly wouldn't think this if they had to smell him every day like I do... Take it from me, ladies. He is not the sexy green hunk you are imagining. Sometimes a dramatic green turtle is a dramatic green turtle.

Now I have to write checks and pay bills. What have you done to me? I never had to write checks! I just made Leo do it! I pretended I didn't remember and then asked him to do it because he's so much smarter and more competent than me and he would be all flattered that I thought he could do something better than me and do it for me. I only owed on that CD club I joined and then I forgot about it. Don pointed out that minors can't be held to contracts and then Raph said that we're fucking mutants and they should just come try to TAKE my CD's back. So I pretended I couldn't write a check and then Leo did it and he was happy.

My dad is heartbroken. I'm the youngest and obviously his favorite and I'm sure he misses me a lot. And it's your fault! I can't look my dad in the face knowing the things you think he does to me! But thankfully, he's gone to visit the Ancient One or on vacation or dead or something.

But anyway...

STOP RAPING ME! STOP BEATING ME UP!

The next time you want to write "Mikey gets hurt! Can his brothers stop beating him up/raping him/making him cry before it's too late?!" then just picture me looking really angry. And you KNOW how totally scary I am and it should give you pause. Okay... picture one of my brothers being scary and maybe that will work...

I work hard at saving the city too while being funny to amuse my poor overly stressed brothers. How am I supposed to handle the most stressful job on earth, saving the planet? Cry? Write emo poetry? Laughing about it and trying to have fun is one hundred times better. And it makes my brothers' lives one hundred times better.

Or at least IT DID! Thanks a lot, fanfiction writers! YOU SUCK!


End file.
